Today I felt sad, all fucking day. This day was brought to you by a healthy dose of Welbutrin and a stubborn streak. I took a hike to try and shake it off, I drank three beers to try and shake it off, but it is still inside of me. Driving to work all I could think was how happy I would be to sleep the next six or seven days away. This is no bueno. I remember the last time I had those thoughts, it was a very dark point for me.
It has now been three weeks since I left my husband. I do not miss him, and that hurts me. Then I saw a pic of him today and I gazed at it fondly, yet did not feel the need to reach out for him. I am struggling with the guilt of the relief of the dissolution, missing my dogs and my daughter. I miss my whole house honestly. Don’t get me wrong, moms place is great and she is spoiling me, and in ten days she will be gone for a month and a half. Now that is some alone time. I am pretty anxious about it too.
He loved me at one point, I am sure of it, and I am also sure that my guilt over mistakes I have made have caused me to sabotage this. But I am pretty sure that I DO want to be alone, in no relationship at all. They bring tears, heartburn, nightmares and poor coping techniques. I would not know where to begin to try and date in 2017. I thought I had this figured out already. The realization that I am actually alone is disappointing, even though I wanted it so badly. This is where I always end up, this is the fourth time we have split. I get to this point and then I want the old life back. Every.fucking.time.
Except for this one. This one time I am not going to do it. This one time I am gonna stick with my guns, and start a new life for myself. This is my time. If I am ever with someone again, I want it to be with someone who is proud of me, someone who wants to show me off, someone I can laugh with, someone I can cry with. Someone who is honest. It sure sucks to suck! I can do this. It is changing me. Who will I be when it is over? A new improved version? Or a broken bitch?