Hole in my heart

hole

Today I felt sad, all fucking day. This day was brought to you by a healthy dose of Welbutrin and a stubborn streak.  I took a hike to try and shake it off, I drank three beers to try and shake it off, but it is still inside of me.  Driving to work all I could think was how happy I would be to sleep the next six or seven days away.  This is no bueno. I remember the last time I had those thoughts, it was a very dark point for me.

It has now been three weeks since I left my husband.  I do not miss him, and that hurts me.  Then I saw a pic of him today and I gazed at it fondly, yet did not feel the need to reach out for him.  I am struggling with the guilt of the relief of the dissolution, missing my dogs and my daughter.  I miss my whole house honestly.  Don’t get me wrong, moms place is great and she is spoiling me, and in ten days she will  be gone for a month and a half.  Now that is some alone time.  I am pretty anxious about it too.

He loved me at one point, I am sure of it, and I am also sure that my guilt over mistakes I have made have caused me to sabotage this.  But I am pretty sure that I DO want to be alone, in no relationship at all.  They bring tears, heartburn, nightmares and poor coping techniques.  I would not know where to begin to try and date in 2017.  I thought I had this figured out already.  The realization that I am actually alone is disappointing, even though I wanted it so badly.  This is where I always end up, this is the fourth time we have split.  I get to this point and then I want the old life back. Every.fucking.time.

Except for this one.  This one time I am not going to do it.  This one time I am gonna stick with my guns, and start a new life for myself.  This is my time.  If I am ever with someone again, I want it to be with someone who is proud of me, someone who wants to show me off, someone I can laugh with, someone I can cry with. Someone who is honest.  It sure sucks to suck! I can do this. It is changing me. Who will I be when it is over? A new improved version? Or a broken bitch?

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