Two decades of love, loss and pain

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At what magical “year ” do you decide that you are through working at your marriage?  How much pain and disappointment can one endure without becoming black hearted and skeptical?  I fear that is where I am now.   Then the next question is what the fuck do I do?

Two decades I have been married.  Some people say that you should be able to get through anything with only the result of success and glorious love.  I do not believe it.  I think there is a cap to all negative feelings, not just mine.  I mean I am super sensitive to people’s energy and feelings, and have a very long memory-it is a curse.  My face hides nothing, and now my heart hurts all the time. Mistakes have been made by both of us.  We are both guilty, but why do I feel so bad? Why is it not easy to run for the hills and start over?

Chock this up to a mid life crisis, or just the fantasy that I probably only have 20 something-ish years left on this planet, and that I have the ability to really thrive and blast out the happiest twenty years of my being. This was  not the plan, the plan was to be together forever.  But how many years are forever?

 

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