Things that we hear in jail Volume 1

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I have begun to compile a list of things that I hear in jail that you would never, ever hear somewhere else. Some of it is sad, some of it is hilarious, and some of it is pathetic.  It is being written in good fun, some of it is on the phone, some of it is in person:

  1.  Did you put money on my books? When will you put money on my books? I need $30 on my books.  I need money NOW. My mom/dad/boyfriend didn’t put money on my books.
  2. Did they call medcart yet? What time is meds? What unit are they on for meds? Is medcart running on time?
  3. My caseworker doesn’t care about me.  My caseworker hates me.  My caseworker doesn’t do shit. Is my caseworker here? (Almost always after hours-they know caseworkers are not here)
  4. Where is the mail? Did you get the mail? What do you mean there is no mail on Martin Luther King Day? The COs are probably with holding my mail because they don’t like me.  CO I just moved down to this unit, will I get my mail?
  5. Chow sucks. The workers mess with my food.  I can’t believe that we can’t share our food. CO I am gluten free, and I feel like they gave me gluten noodles because my stomach hurts now.
  6. Do we have request forms? Do we have laundry forms? I need a Grievance form. (All forms are in cabinet behind me.)
  7. Medical sucks.  The doctors won’t give me painkillers because they are mean.  I need to go to medical, it is an emergency, I have a headache and a hang nail.
  8. What did you penpal do to get in jail? Do you want a new penpal, because mine has someone that you can write to.  My penpal will be out of jail in 8 years, when will yours? His offense is not violent, he was just framed.
  9. No other officer does that.  No other officer says that.  No one else gets in trouble for that.  Everyone else lets me do it.
  10. You are the meanest officer in this building.
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