I finally have a career. I am working at a job that I love, and I think that I am very good at it. The pay is very good, enough to cause my daughter to tell me she could “see the difference” regarding my income, our bills, food in fridge etc…. so tell me why fucking why can i not feel the joy and satisfaction? It is because I am exhausted.
Some people are meant to work nights, I am not one of those people. I have struggled with clinical depression for most of my life. I took charge of my own life, so I did not end up like most of the people with my “statistics” regarding trauma. My trainings (especially the last one which was working with women who are the victims of trauma) have told me that most of the people who have the type of past that I do, end up in trouble, in addiction, in recovery and in jail. So for my entire life, I have been hell bent on proving that you can be ruined as a child but still come back as a functional adult. I have absorbed myself in yoga, proper diets and book upon book on different subjects, like loving yourself, creating joy, and living with depression. I have done all of this work to maintain some sort of normalcy, to be able to function day to day forgetting what has happened to me, and becoming a stronger person.
But exhaustion is haulting all of that progess. Not seeing the sunshine or my family most days is already taking a toll on me. I started this adventure four months ago, I have been on 3rd shift about 40 days, and I am full of self doubt again. I had become so confident. Now, I cannot get any sort of longevity in sleep, waking at a minimum of every two hours. I have tried taking something, I own eye masks and black out my room, which isn’t always effective. The dogs bark the kids are teenagers, the house can be very loud. All of these factors are working together to make me feel like a huge loser. I am losing my positive attitude, I am losing my confidence. I find myself jealous of the others who do not have to work this awful shift. That isn’t a part of my makeup. I am not a jealous person, but I truly don’t know how much longer I can keep faking this. I am very scared of disapointing everyone that is rooting for me. My husband said well we knew this was “an experiment”. No, actually it wasn’t, It started as me confident, securing a career, doing something meaningful. Do I want to keep going? Well of course I do, but I have lost the confidence that I can.
I am just so tired of being tired, my depression is worse, I don’t like living this way. I understand now why sometimes people give up.