Depression and midnight shifts

monkey

I finally have a career.  I am working at a job that I love, and I think that I am very good at it.  The pay is very good, enough to cause my daughter to tell me she could “see the difference” regarding my income, our bills, food in fridge etc…. so tell me why fucking why can i not feel the joy and satisfaction?  It is because I am exhausted.

Some people are meant to work nights, I am not one of those people. I have struggled with clinical depression for most of my life.  I took charge of my own life, so I did not end up like most of the people with my “statistics” regarding trauma.  My trainings (especially the last one which was working with women who are the victims of trauma) have told me that most of the people who have the type of past that I do, end up in trouble, in addiction, in recovery and in jail.  So for my entire life, I have been hell bent on proving that you can be ruined as a child but still come back as a functional adult.  I have absorbed myself in yoga, proper diets and book upon book on different subjects, like loving yourself, creating joy, and living with depression.  I have done all of this work to maintain some sort of normalcy, to be able to function day to day forgetting what has happened to me, and becoming a stronger person.

But exhaustion is haulting all of that progess.  Not seeing the sunshine or my family most days is already taking a toll on me.  I started this adventure four months ago, I have been on 3rd shift about 40 days, and I am full of self doubt again.  I had become so confident.  Now, I cannot get any sort of longevity in sleep, waking at a minimum of every two hours.  I have tried taking something, I own eye masks and black out my room, which isn’t always effective.  The dogs bark the kids are teenagers, the house can be very loud.  All of these factors are working together to make me feel like a huge loser.  I am losing my positive attitude, I am losing my confidence.  I find myself jealous of the others who do not have to work this awful shift.  That isn’t a part of my makeup. I am not a jealous person, but I truly don’t know how much longer I can keep faking this.  I am very scared of disapointing everyone that is rooting for me.  My husband said well we knew this was “an experiment”.  No, actually it wasn’t, It started as me confident, securing a career, doing something meaningful.  Do I want to keep going? Well of course I do, but I have lost the confidence that I can.

I am just so tired of being tired, my depression is worse, I don’t like living this way. I understand now why sometimes people give up.

 

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One thought on “Depression and midnight shifts

  1. My Dearest Miss Nancy ❤ I love you. I love your tenacity and your honesty, your grit and your sensitivity. Although I haven't lived your trauma, I understand depression and how it sucks you in and pulls you under when you're in the midst of it. As an outsider looking in, I can tell you you're doing incredible things and you're loved by so many. I've worked 3rd shift – I know it blows. Our bodies and internal clocks are NOT designed to cope well with this schedule. I watched my Mom struggle with depression and nervous breakdowns while working this shift, raising 2 kids, caring for HER ailing Mom. I haven't seen you work your job, but I know this…you kick ass. You're the absolute best person for that line of work. You're the person some of those women NEED in their lives. You can relate. I wish I could help you – give you a magical happy-make-every-thing-great pill – but I can't. All I can offer you are the words my Grandma used to say to me: "This too, shall pass." Nothing lasts forever, including this God forsaken shift. I know you & I know you don't like/want special treatment, but it's important to put YOU first. Maybe talk to your doctor and see what your options may be in terms of getting a note out to your employer requesting a different shift? It's not because you're weak – your body and mind need it. It's not special treatment – I'm sure not all the people working this shift are experiencing the same side effects you are. When I worked 3rd shift and had all I could do to function, there were people around me who LOVED it and would never bid out of it, even when they could. Check your options and take care of YOU so you can take care of others ❤

    Like

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