Thank god this is over. I do admit that I absolutely had one full hour of bliss. It came last night around 1am lying in bed with the love of my life. As much work and frustration that goes in to marriage, he is my absolute rock. With all of the deep sighs and eye rolling I know that he’s mine. I know if I hold his face and say this is what I need he will. And he did, he rubbed my neck and temples and shoulders with my delightful stress less lotion with eucalyptus and lavender. It’s amazing, he’s amazing. But life is friggin hard right now.
I also enjoyed an amazing two hours of laughing at absolutely the dumbest shit while I watched the movie “Sisters” with my youngest daughter and my “third daughter” who is her best friend, it was awesome. I’m thankful for those two hours. Because the other 69ish sucked.
In the last 72 hours I have been trapped in a glass case of emotion. I’m watching my mother slowly kill herself trying to improve her grandsons lives. She constantly takes these very difficult three boys for extended stays. These kids are rude (one has a confirmed autism type problem) the other two aren’t confirmed anything, but have grown up with moms who didn’t stop doing anything while they were pregnant, or nursing, or now ….I won’t go in to more detail.
When I arrived at my moms on Christmas Eve at roughly 2pm, I came to find her face drawn taught, no color. Dark purple circles under her eyes and her usual curly hair standing straight up. All three of the grandsons were there running around being loud and arguing. Toys being throw, rude comments etc ext. and one of the moms was there. She wasn’t being a mom. She was being a nuisance and if nothing else added to the drama.
At that moment I become nurse maid, cook, matriarch. I nursed my mom back to health. It took two days. I cooked the Christmas dinner and cleaned it up (for 10). I organized the gift giving and cleanup (for 10). I stayed and bathed and tucked my nephew who’s parents were too busy on Xmas eve and Xmas day to be parents, reading him his first Christmas story (he’s 8) and explained to him that Santa did in fact plan on coming to see him and not only knew he wasn’t at his moms but also what he wanted; because even though we were told that he did, that he never saw Santa this year. I cried in private a lot yesterday.
My husband and kids went home before me last night and when I got home there was some idiotic Fight between the teens and I got sucked in and wanted to just lose my shit. Hubby jumped in and said hey let’s all open our gifts and not end this on a bad note. It’s almost midnight anyways. At first I said no but then conceded and I told you about the wonderful evening massage.
Today I was back at moms super early and spent the day there again pushing tea, toast, ginger ale. Regulating meds and cleaning up some yuck stuff to the point where when I popped in on mom on the way home from the movie she said she felt 100% better but didn’t know what to do because I wasn’t there. I tucked her in and headed home with teens in tow. I’ve been sporting my awesome new shoes to break them in all day. I come home and pull my trash barrels out just to step in the neighbor’s dog shit. I finally arrived to my bedroom to find my 17 year old sprawled on my bed with her iPod, her tragic event of some teen boys idiocy didn’t get my attention fast enough for her…so she stormed out leaving the extra large popcorn that my other kid gave her from the movies on my bed for the puppy to throw all over my bed, carpet and everywhere else. This turned in to a screaming match which I referred to as the debate of who is being the bigger bitch.
So tonight I go to bed with none of the usual mom guilt. My kid said “that would be pretty selfish of me” during this fight, and I confirmed she is selfish a lot of the time. I wish her luck in that, sooner or later she will Learn that life isn’t about how many $50 makeup sets you own. If it isn’t today, I really don’t care.
Merry Christmas – hang in there moms..I refuse to kill Myself if MY kids decide to be selfish asshole shitty parents. I have to trust that they won’t.