Living like a broke bitch 

 You hear that? Not a broken bitch – just broke. This year for Black Friday I stayed in my house and bought nothing. Also the black Saturday and today I will be buying nothing. Why? Not because I didn’t want to, not because the terrorists won, no. I didn’t buy anything because I have no money.

On Oct 31, one of our two pieces of crap automobiles decided that it wouldn’t start. Of course we had no money. Now I don’t mean that we didn’t have an extra five hundred around. I mean we didn’t have an extra 5$.

Not having AAA, or a job, I have been counting on my friend who has a garage around the corner to fix it in his free time. After he came to my house and ruled out two small fixes, we yes, pushed it around the corner and now that is where it sits, in front of the shop. I can’t be mad at him / he doesn’t charge for labor. Since I’m currently not working, we do some shuffling .. It’s frustrating as hell, but it’s livable.

I’m bummed I’m paying yet another payment on the car while it still sits- I’m bummed I have a payment on it at all. It’s financed though a company that deals with people who are broke and desperate. I am pretty sure when finished we will have paid more in interest than principal. We tried to trade it in three months ago. Even though every payment for 27 months has been on time,  I had no job, so we got no loan. They asked us if we could get a cosinger, that’s laughable, we barely even have relatives. Even 1000$ down wouldn’t sway them. It seems backwards that the poor people pay more while the rich pay less when I comes to interest rates. They deserve a reward I suppose; those who have been blessed to never have their lives ripped up with tragedies. Sometimes the people aren’t trying to be poor, they just really can’t catch a break. Yes some people have bad luck, yes sometimes because of poor decisions too, we aren’t drunks or drug addicts. We do not own a bunch of fancy things. Our kids do ! I’ve always wanted the best for them and most of the time they have it.

November 1 I received in the mail a bill for the local community college for $684. My daughter is a senior in high school and is able to take CAP classes through the high school and she is enrolled in three. I’m not sure why the parents do not get a heads up on these bills, she registered at the end of last year. We were only told she would receive a discount on the tuition. No one told us it would be this much. It literally drained ever cent of spare money that we had (my poor husband worked ALOT to make this happen, if he hadn’t this would be a much different  paragraph probably high lighted with the words eviction and despair). The sad thing is that if a student qualifies to take the classes, but can’t pay, they do not get the credit. I would love the statistic of kids who can’t afford and lose those credits. Is guidance screening this ? Surely the college is being paid by the state or the high school since they are both tax funded establishment so…..? That was the money that we have been saving to buy a house again some day, it also would have been used for the upcoming emergency….stay tuned…5 days later ..

My poor husband on his way home from work (70 hour work week I think he did that week) the brake pad in my 16 year old but paid for car fell out and the rotors were ruined on the half hour ride home. Hubby must’ve had the radio up pretty loud, because he didn’t mention it and by the time I noticed it, it was not driveable. However,  I drove the car with no brakes the 20 miles to my regular mechanic the following payday after borrowing my moms car for two days. The cost for the repair and my inspection sticker which of course said Nov on it was $400. Are you seeing the trend of the money flying out of the window here ? I won’t mention the cost of the  surpise party I had for my mom on Nov 8, thank goodness I paid for most of it before that week. I just paid it off. If you weren’t doing the math, I have so far not including my moms $500 party, which was worth a million dollars to see her that happy, incurred almost $1100 in additional and necessary bills since October 31. We have paid all of the bills that were due for November as well, thank god… Oh and don’t forget, my second car is still parked in front of a garage around the corner. So if one of these hundreds of jobs that I regurally apply for calls, the honest answer to the question “do you have reliable transportation?” Is..of course I don’t. I would never write or answer the question that way though.  If my oldest didn’t have a job her life would be way different now as well. Living with bills like a Kennedy but on a much, much smaller income. And not dressing like a Kennedy; let me be clear.

You hear every day about the struggles of the people who live on public assistance. We hear all the time about the struggle of the veterans, the disabled. How much do you hear about the struggle of middle to lower class working people? Not a lot. Yet I’ve been living this way for as long as I can remember. Even as a child , with both parents working, (my dad was a soldier !) I’ve lived this way. The years of struggling vs comfortability are widely  askew. For now, I’m proud to say that 96 percent of my current bills are on time. Sure there is a pile of shit on my credit report ensuring always dealing with the crooked loan sharks to ever have anything. The constant rebuilding of credit just so some old shit pops back up and drops the score again. It’s a constant struggle that isn’t recognized or appreciated by those who don’t have to live that way. It’s depressing, it’s hard, it’s fucked. I don’t want pity, I want a bit of time to regroup. I want a car that I am not embarassed to pick my kids up in. I want for them to not have to live this way, it’s truly my fault that at 42 I made decisions to travel and move, instead of grounding and loving.

We received insurance money when my husband’s mother passed. She left it hoping it would help us to stay in the area we lived, she wanted my husband and his sister to be close and the kids to all be super close. We bought a house that we couldn’t afford and struggled and watched my sister in law live a crooked, unlawful living and thrive in it, having all the new things, giving her kids all neat stuff. It devastated me, always trying to keep up with her lifestyle that was never financed by herself but by others… only to make my kids feel less slighted….If I had it to do over, I would have never stayed there and felt like I was less than her. I would have come here, where I live now. I would’ve bought a home and stayed here and dealt with whatever thrown my way. Regret. A bitter backpack to carry. People say not to waste your time with it, yet I do.

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2 comments

  1. Damnit all to hell, this article struck such a chord with me. I feel you on every level. We work our asses off to barely keep our heads above water while others seem to skate by effortlessly. It makes me wonder what I’m doing wrong. What karmic event did I screw up to deserve the struggle. I keep telling myself everything happens for a reason and that I must have lessons to learn…it’s been a loooooooong time…I must be a slow learner. Chin up, lady! Keep taking the high road, no matter how difficult it is to travel. We can rest our heads at night with a clear conscience. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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