Am I falling?

  
A few months ago I lost my job. I’ve worked at least two jobs for my entire life starting in 1988 when I was 15. My parents were always broke, I just wanted my own money. My own stuff. My dad was prone to alcoholic slam fests where he would wreck things that I cared about. And tell me I couldn’t be mad because he paid for it. 

Now I am all grown up ( I think) And I have my own stuff. Not a lot of stuff just enough. And I have become my parents in that we are broke most of the time. And I’m looking for a job. But the thought has been crossing my mind that maybe, just maybe I’m broken. I have been fired three times in the last two years. After never being fired before, ever. This has made me feel really incapable of being an employee. Add on that I didn’t even get call backs on a few jobs I am over qualified for, what do I do? Hubby starts paying for all of our stuff ? Is that fair? Is he going to be ok with it? Would I ? Probably not. 😢

My whole life and even now I have seen others not work, and I am Not ashamed to say that maybe I felt a envious, and superior that I had at least two jobs and they had none. Envious they had the nice tans while I got none from commuting to one dead end job to another.  But their circumstances were very different, living off the system, slinging drugs, being an idiot, so I don’t think it’s the same. I’m at an impasse. At which I think maybe I am ready to not work. But I want to work. But are they all gonna laugh at me? 

If you know me in daily life you would see a bitchy, pretty, sarcastic but strong woman. I am the type that can walk in to a bar alone, knowing no one in the place and leave having possibly gained a new friend. But those people don’t see me completely panic when I think I am out of my element. They don’t see my brain moving a mile a minute because even though I may be somewhere I am usually not present. Which makes me look like an idiot sometimes. They don’t know the chain events in my head that run in a constant loop until whatever it is has been handled, or if I give myself permission to release that concern or worry. I am just not sure about this chapter of my life. My oldest daughter graduates this year, my youngest is class of 2018. Will I want to work then ? I want to be passionate about my job. I’ve had dead end jobs but I have had some really amazing opportunities too. Are those over ? Is it over ?

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One comment

  1. “In the end, it’ll all be okay, and if it’s not okay, it’s not the end.” I’ve been where you are and I’ll probably be there again before I’m done. Peaks and valleys. The peaks go by way too quickly and the valleys seem to suck us in for eternity. I’ve been in valleys enough times to know (now) that they are periods of self discovery. The universe won’t allow us to peak again until we do the self evaluation it’s demanding. I know it’s extra money that likely isn’t lying around; and even if it is, you’d feel guilty spending it on yourself, but visit a good psychic. I know I’m sounding loopy right now…but trust me 😉

    Liked by 1 person

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