A few months ago I lost my job. I’ve worked at least two jobs for my entire life starting in 1988 when I was 15. My parents were always broke, I just wanted my own money. My own stuff. My dad was prone to alcoholic slam fests where he would wreck things that I cared about. And tell me I couldn’t be mad because he paid for it.
Now I am all grown up ( I think) And I have my own stuff. Not a lot of stuff just enough. And I have become my parents in that we are broke most of the time. And I’m looking for a job. But the thought has been crossing my mind that maybe, just maybe I’m broken. I have been fired three times in the last two years. After never being fired before, ever. This has made me feel really incapable of being an employee. Add on that I didn’t even get call backs on a few jobs I am over qualified for, what do I do? Hubby starts paying for all of our stuff ? Is that fair? Is he going to be ok with it? Would I ? Probably not. 😢
My whole life and even now I have seen others not work, and I am Not ashamed to say that maybe I felt a envious, and superior that I had at least two jobs and they had none. Envious they had the nice tans while I got none from commuting to one dead end job to another. But their circumstances were very different, living off the system, slinging drugs, being an idiot, so I don’t think it’s the same. I’m at an impasse. At which I think maybe I am ready to not work. But I want to work. But are they all gonna laugh at me?
If you know me in daily life you would see a bitchy, pretty, sarcastic but strong woman. I am the type that can walk in to a bar alone, knowing no one in the place and leave having possibly gained a new friend. But those people don’t see me completely panic when I think I am out of my element. They don’t see my brain moving a mile a minute because even though I may be somewhere I am usually not present. Which makes me look like an idiot sometimes. They don’t know the chain events in my head that run in a constant loop until whatever it is has been handled, or if I give myself permission to release that concern or worry. I am just not sure about this chapter of my life. My oldest daughter graduates this year, my youngest is class of 2018. Will I want to work then ? I want to be passionate about my job. I’ve had dead end jobs but I have had some really amazing opportunities too. Are those over ? Is it over ?