Home blues


When I was younger and I envisioned the family that I would create, first of all it didn’t have any kids in it. Lol I joke often and say if I had gotten a dog before a child that I wouldn’t have had kids. I stand behind that about 30 percent of the time. Now is one of those times.

Currently there are four people in my family and we are all in seperate rooms. It honestly is working for me at this moment. Because I can hide here and angrily type the ideas in my head in private.

Suicide is a super sensitive thing in my house. My father hung himself in our garage when I was 16 and he was 35. People tell me how brave I am and I think to myself what was the option? Stay alive and deal or die myself.  Having 2 high school daughters, suicide is mentioned ALOT. I am amazed at the amount of kids who cut themselves, threaten to do harm to themselves, fake it, especially on this online bullshit nation. My daughter is being harassed by two stupid little twit kids who are so far beneath mine it’s pathetic. And I don’t assign status. But I’m proud to say that yup we are better than them. I fucking said it, I won’t apologize. And these two little assholes have made my daughter so unhappy that it’s three weeks in to the school year and we have had to change her classes, (she had to pick two up to make this change due to no study halls available ) she’s changed her lunch, her seat on two classes to avoid them. So they decided to talk about me instead.

The twits went to school and told everyone that I am PrO suicide.this shouldn’t bother me but its touchy so it stings. In an effort to stick up for her mom, the blowback on them was bad. The parents are out of their minds, the kids posting anonymous stories on Tumblr about this girl who’s details down to what year she moved away and then back is the bio for the character, and that character is this horrible person, and the story got bigger and worse.  I attempted to reach the parents and now I have also been threatened .. In writing.

So the kids are upset and mad that I tried to resolve anything, and the husband is upset and mad because it is making me upset and interrupting his “tablet time of shopping for new cars” with my emotions. My oldest is now doing this dramatic sigh thing and saying she has anxiety and she knows cuz she talked about it with a total blabber mouth mom at school..instead of me.

Today in my head I have left on va at ion and everyone can figure their own shit out. Private island stay please, with skinny cabana boys and green blue water. Don’t care what’s in the glass as long as it holds an umbrella. It took 17 years to get a thanks mom you did great. It will probably be 17 more before the next one… Cheers with my invisible drink in my brain.

Being a mom is the hardest, most thank less job you can have. I did the best I could with the tools j was given. Have I fucked up ? Yes. The kids should listen to me. I know what the fuck I am talking about. I’ve literally seen the worst and best of a lot of people. I do every day. I force myself outside most days. I don’t want to feel this way. I’m doing the best that I can, and it isn’t good enough.

 

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